“I still feel so much hurt over the disrespect my child has shown me, 

that I do not want to show them love until they deserve it.“

Being a parent can be so hard. Actually, it is hard most of the time. We can literally feel like punching bags as our children disobey, disrespect, openly rebel, call us names, and tell us they would rather live anywhere but with us.

Kids don’t fight fair because they don’t have adult brains.

Our children under the age of 13 are still primarily using the emotional side of their brain to process all information. This means when they have big feelings, they do not think about how their words and actions will affect others, they just react. 

Often children will let loose the hardest on those they love the most. Or at least those they know love them the most. The safe people are the ones who often bear the brunt of all the rough spots in the relationship.

And so, as parents, we must be very aware of what is happening inside a child’s brain so that we are not apt to take things personally.

Does it hurt when our children give us the cold shoulder? Yes

Does it make you angry when your child rolls their eyes at your logical advice? Yes.

Do you feel jealousy when your child seems more connected to one parent than to you? Yes.

If you answered, yes, like me, this reveals a deep desire to be connected and feel loved by your child. This is a good thing and the way it was meant to be. Our feelings are merely signals that tell us something is not right.

Growth happens in safety.

Research shows that all growth happens in the context of a safe relationship. This means we need each other to experience change and healing. As our child’s parent, we must refuse to take their emotional jabs as personal attacks and measures of our worth. We do not have to tolerate such behavior, but we cannot let it jeopardize our true acceptance and love for the sake of the relationship with our child.

So the next time, your child disrespects or hurts you in some way, avoid internalizing it as unforgivable or as the truth of your true value in their lives.

Model emotional IQ.

Using the Reflecting Feelings skills might sound like this: “Oh, you’re really angry that I suggested that…”, “You are so annoyed that we have to talk about this…”, “Yes, I understand…You’d rather be anywhere but here…”

Using the Choice Giving skill might sound like this: “You can choose to try that again without an attitude, or you can choose to go cool off and then try again”.

Could we even use the Choice Giving language to reflect our own feelings in a logical moment with our child?“When you choose to disrespect/ignore/roll your eyes at me, I feel rejected/alone/sad/disconnected from you.  And I don’t like that.”

Using the Limit Setting skill might sound like this: “You’re really mad at me, but parents aren’t for disrespecting. So you can choose to try that again, or you can choose to come back later and we can talk again.”

When we extend grace and offer forgiveness for hurts that were unacceptable, we are modeling true love, and this will lead us to a more calm and connected relationship with our child.

Remember the long game.