As humans we are so easily drawn to what is not working. We spot the problems, and over look the things that are going right. We want to fix whatever seems broken.

As parents this effort usually gets diverted onto our children. We take responsibility to teach them what is right. We want them to be accepted and acceptable within their society that they might live and thrive. And we often see “problems” as issues that need to be fixed. When we forget that our relationship with them is really the basis for any change ahead, we end up sabotaging their success by measuring them by their “problems”.

Here’s what I mean:

“My child must have ADHD because they just cannot sit still.”

“My child is so shy, she won’t talk to anyone or make friends.”

“My child is so angry and he won’t do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

When we focus on a child’s struggles, we form labels that they eventually internalize. We think we are just being descriptive of their behavior to another, but it actually is heard by the child as non-acceptable or a non-desirable trait. This can create distance in the relationship between a child and parent because the child feels on some level unacceptable, undesirable to their mom or dad.

Plus, kids tend to live up to the labels we give them. Technically, it’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the idea is that what ever we hear enough times, we begin to believe that it is true. Wouldn’t it be transformative for our children if instead of hearing labels, our kids heard uplifing truths about them?

But we can focus on this principle:

Focus on the doughnut, not the hole.

You would never eat a doughnut and complain about the center that was missing. You’d describe how delicious it was, and how you can’t wait to have another.

Noticing the positive and good things in our child and verbally telling them can not only change your perspective on how hard things really are, but you will be boosting their ideas of who they are with what is uplifting, not down putting.

Start focusing on the “doughnut” with your child, and watch to see that over time how your encouragement provides a safer and more trusting relationship that results in fewer and fewer “issues”.

Remember the power of your words and the deep impact they have on a child.