It can be helpful as a parent to step back and consider the “why” behind a child’s misbehavior. Just like adults do any number of things to accomplish a goal, children often do this through all of their behavior. It is the “mis”-behavior that we often label as problematic and focus our attention on as a problem to be fixed. But are we really just interested in changing the behavior, or do we want to discover the reason behind it?

I’m guess you are here because you’ve already tried merely changing the behavior with punishments, rewards, threats, etc. So, let’s take a deeper look at what might be behind the behaviors in the first place.

According to Rudolph Dreikurs, a psychologist from the 1940s, children have a need to belong. Just like food, water, and safety, children seek out how to belong because they need it. As parents we love it when they use positive means to fill this need: polite behavior, helpful behavior in the home, cooperative behavior outside the home, etc. But, children can also look to fill this need through problematic behavior. Constantly interrupting mom/dad when they are talking to someone else, lashing out in hurtful ways, or even acting helpless and hopeless over challenges.

Consider that kids are not just misbehaving to be difficult but instead are always communicating something. 

Children are using the emotional and experiential side of their brain and do not logically think about consequences. They are so desperate to feel that they belong that they will do whatever it takes to get the attention, the power, the revenge, or the help that gives them a sense of belonging even in a negative light. Without guidance from an engaged parent, their behavior tends to lead to trouble.  They “belong” but with negative attention and usually negative consequences. 

Dreikurs calls this the “Goals of Misbehavior”. His studies have found that children get a sense of belonging in four ways:

• Seeking Attention
• Seeking Power
• Seeking Revenge
• Showing a Display of Inadequacy

When we begin to understand that there may be more that our children are communicating to us than just what we see on the surface, we can respond in more calm and connected ways to our child. We can parent with intentional actions instead of emotional reactions.

This theory explains how parents can discern the need of their child based on how it makes the parent feel and what the natural reaction of the parent tends to be. Once the actual need can be identified, then the actual solution can be applied.

Take a deeper dive into this component in the Calm & Connected: 5-week Skills Training and learn to identify the need and apply the most effective approach to providing for their need to belong in the most self-enhancing ways.

Your child needs you. You are a gift.