Giving choices often feels impossible when we expect to do this in real time in conjunction with our child’s behavior.

It often seems that our opportunities to give choices often come when either we, our child, or both of us are hungry, tired, or already frustrated. To think of reasonable choices for our child is often a tall order when we ourselves feel tapped out from normal life as a parent.

Giving choices reduces power struggles with your child.

We know that giving choices increases their ability to make a decision, and feel for themselves, the natural consequence of that decision. When we empower instead of just telling them what to do, we know that giving our child a sense of “power “will reduce the power struggles. We know that when we give choices to our children, they learn they are capable and competent to take responsibility for their own choices.

“But how in the moment can I carry this out when clear logical thinking is unlikely?

Practice makes …better.

First, if giving choices is a new skill, practice it by only focusing on one area of conflict at a time. Soon this will seem much more natural and familiar for both you and your child and you can expand using the skill all the time.

Second, think about two choices in that recurring conflict when you are feeling calm and in control, often long before any misbehavior even begins.

Third, if choices are needed and you are coming up short, say to your child you need to take a five minute break.  Use that time to think about how to give choices before you proceed.

So, expecting to give choices off the cuff can feel impossible, and I can relate to that.  As a parent and a therapist, it is hard for me to give reasonable, permissible choices that speak to the root of the problem without some forethought and practice. Often in the playroom when encountering the need to give choices, I must practice and try again. I wait until I can understand the root of behavior, form two choices that are permissible, and have neutral feelings about either.

Hard at times? Yes. But it gets easier with practice, and your child will thank you that you have done the hard work of parenting them towards experiencing their own decisions and consequences.

Don’t forget that the path to Calm and Connected parenting isn’t easy or always smooth, but it is worth it.