When we feel out of control as we parent our child, it is often tempting to set limits on everything they do.

Limit-setting has a framework.

It is helpful to have a framework as to when a limit is actually needed. Since we know, children are not robots or going to “act perfectly “all the time, parents need some sort of criteria to run through their mind to know whether a limit is actually necessary.

Three questions to determine when a limit is needed:

• Will this behavior cause my child to hurt themselves?

• Will this behavior cause me or someone else to get hurt?

• Will this behavior cause something to get broken on purpose?

If yes to the above, then ask yourself these three questions:

• “Is this limit necessary?”
• “Can I consistently enforce this limit?”
• “If I don’t set a limit on this behavior, can I consistently allow this behavior and accept my child?”

If the answer to all of these is “yes “, then a limit is necessary. However, if the answer to these questions is actually “No”, then it may be important to consider the acceptance of childlike behavior that may be developmentally normal and appropriate.

For example, when your child is angered by a sibling and their pattern of response is in physical aggression, we know that could result in someone getting hurt. We can set a limit saying “Siblings are never for biting, hitting, choking, kicking, etc.”

However, if your child is playfully aggressive with a sibling and the root of behavior is play, not aggression, a limit may not be necessary because we do not believe either child is in danger of being hurt on purpose, nothing would be broken on purpose, and mutual, physical play is developmentally normal.

And yet the physically aggressive play may be quite annoying if they are doing it around you when you don’t want them to, which leads us to not be able to unconditionally accept them if the behavior continues. This situation becomes a choice. “If you choose to playfully wrestle, you choose to do that in the basement or outside.“ No limit was needed, but a choice was given for them to continue acceptable behavior in an acceptable place.

Being mindful of when to set a limit will actually make the necessary limits feel more authoritative because they will be more likely to be limits that you will consistently keep regardless of the situation.

As a parent, I often have to ask myself the question, “Am I just annoyed at my child’s behavior right now or is there a good reason they should not be doing what they are doing?” Basically, I am contrasting my personhood (who I am) with my parenthood (my role as a parent) so that I can make sure I’m not parenting out of my annoyances which would result in inconsistent, feeling-based, unpredictable demands on my children.

After you have determined that a limit is necessary, following the A.C.T. approach will give you a pathway towards the calm and connected parenting that you aim for.

Deciding whether a limit is necessary before giving one will allow your child the freedom to be a child when their behavior, although annoying at times, is age-appropriate.