“What do I do when I give my child two choices, and they comply with the limit I set, 

but choose their own third option?”

Choice giving can get sticky.

It’s hard enough to formulate real choices in real time when your child is really upset.  We get flustered and pressured in the moment too.  We think quick enough to reflect a feeling, and even spit out a good limit, but the choices are not hitting our child in the way we hoped.  We want compliance, right?  But with the limit or with us?

A school morning…

A first grader is upset one morning as she gets dressed for school because the school uniform is just too limiting for her fashion sense that day.  She wants THIS outfit, but the uniform code is to wear a polo shirt.  

Whines become yelling complaints and pretty soon she is refusing to wear anything but THAT.  

Dad: You really want to wear THAT today, but polos are for school.

Did you see the feeling/wish/desire reflected first, and then the neutral limit?

Dad: You can choose the pink polo or you can choose the blue polo, which do you choose?

Do you see choice A and choice B, both of which are acceptable with the limit?

Ten minutes later, Dad sees his daughter coming down for school in a yellow polo having not chosen the two colors he suggested.  What does he do?  He wants obedience from his daughter.  That is reasonable.  Is this a form of rebellion?

Choose your battles.

Based on a case by case situation, you (parent) can choose which response best suits you and the purpose you have in mind.  If strict obedience is required, like in situations of safety or when direct rebellion is at the root of the behavior, #1 may be best. 

Sometimes we as parents may need to choose our battles, and if the child follows the limit in the end but chooses a different way to get there, we might see it as creative problem solving and let it go. 

Parenting is an art.

Parenting is not always as cut and dried as we’d like, so consider the root of the behavior and do your best to convey the outcome you want most.

1.  “The moment you chose for me to choose for you, at that very moment, you chose not to choose something else. But you can choose what you want to wear for tomorrow.”

2.  “You found something else that adheres to dress code, so you chose to wear that. “

Both serve different purposes, but are both helpful.