Often parents take on the role of behavioral manager for their child. They come to believe that the child’s behavior can and should be controlled by the parent themselves. The child whines, and the parent gets them what they want. The child complains they are bored, and the parent thinks up what they should do. The child misbehaves, and the parent doles out a punishment to “teach them a lesson”. Parents often act as if they are the ones responsible for managing their child’s behavior.

Parents get weary and even resentful that their child stays so dependent on them for everything. But managing another person’s behaviors does not change anything inside the person doing the behaving. When parents manage their child’s behavior, they are teaching them that they don’t have to manage it for themselves.

Child Behavior Management belongs to the child. Ultimately, a parent’s job is to raise a child into an adult. An effective parent wants their child to learn what they need, how to ask for it, and how to solve problems for themselves.

A child can only learn how to manage their behavior like:

• regulating their big emotions
• coping with unpleasant feelings
• find self-control when its tempting to act out

by experience.

We do this by returning responsibility.

“You’re really feeling bored, but you can think of something to do.”

“You’re whining because you really don’t want to take a shower, but showers are for taking on Saturday nights. You can choose to take it before or after we watch a show together. Which do you choose?”

When we return responsibility back to our child, we are helping them to take ownership of the responsibility at hand. We are giving them the opportunity to figure out a solution, to work out an alternative, or to deal with the unpleasantness before them.

When I speak with parents in person about this, I often use both hands with palms flat towards them and push the air, as if to model, “this is yours to decide about”. It is like hitting a ball back across the pickleball court to our child. When we return responsibility, we are saying “This is hard, but you can figure something out. You are capable.” When we model that we believe our kids are capable of something, they will eventually believe it, too.

But if we don’t return responsibility when we have these opportunities, we are essentially robbing our children of the practice it takes to grow into an adult. We interrupt the process that they must go through as they develop more and more, slow as it seems, into independent, autonomous, responsible adults.

Now, doesn’t it seem important to let our children become their own Behavior Management Specialists?